Survival- The state or fact of continuing to live or exist,typically in spite of an accident, ordeal, or difficult circumstances.
My conception was due to survival mode. 5 Months without prenatal care. I was not planned. Which made me often question my existence and intentions life had for me. As a child "do as you're told" was my parents motto. As a well behaved child fearing consequences I complied with all demands while minimal explanations were offered. When I was granted an explanation it was often cold statements such as " Because I said so" or " Because this is what you have to do". These elucidation validated my feeling of invisibility. I had no room for self expression. Rebekah was merely a name I answered to, but my soul, emotions and thoughts had no association with Rebekah's being.
My daily objective was comply to demands for survival. As a child my Mother was the only stable and consistent model of an adult, parent, provider and friend. Daily she groomed me to survive, from hiding valuables from my father, teaching me my place in the world as a black girl, measures to take when my father became abusive and my mothers most reliable ritual for survival... Religious practices.
Surviving slowly expired once the idea of healing arrived. I made the effort to swap out my trauma self for my conscious self that has a choice.
I now base decisions off choices and wants. Rather than making decisions based off what I HAD to do in order to survive.
