Daddy Issues.

Reflecting on a question a friend recently asked me... why did you block me?

Resistance was comforting. If words were never spoken, issues never resolved and energy never exchanged. I felt safe. Vulnerability obsolete.

This cycle was my successful failure. I needed to be able to predict the outcome of the course of my friendships, if I couldn't ; I no longer felt protected. I lead in fear. The "What if's" controlled me.

Now who's in control Bek?

A questioned I asked with empty answers.

Answers filled with excuses and false beliefs.

Abandonment wounds that needed healing, but only being punctured by the unconscious cycle of blocking people out.

I knew how to survive alone.

Now challenged, how do I survive with people? People that truly love me? People that are expressive, kind, compassionate and loyal.

My relationships with men has been persistently conflicting. Other than sex what else did men have to offer?

Poor examples of cisgendered men not possessing qualities such as:

• Respectfulness

• Dependability

• Consistency

• Honesty

• Love

• Consideration

• Vulnerability

Lead my decisions on how to manage my relationships with men. The idea of constructing a healthy platonic relationship with a cisgendered man was intimidating and unfamiliar.

Being honest with myself was my first action required to conquer my fear of having a successful healthy relationship with a man.

"Having a relationship with a cisgendered Male scared me" was my initial thought.

"Where did this fear stem from?" I asked myself.

"I am hurt" I thought to myself. This is a trauma wound.I wanted and needed to knock down this roadblock.

• Step 1- Vulnerability. Being flexible and open enough to have a response for my friend who asked me why I blocked him. Not running from my truths. Not avoiding areas I yearned to grow in.

• Step 2- Doing the work! consistent self-care and healing work( whatever that looks like for you. Ie: Therapy, Journaling, Reading)

• Step 3- Open communication coupled with vulnerability. Being open leads to the discovery of any hidden parts of self.

• Step 4- Setting obtainable goals.

These steps taken promoted my self growth and most of all helped repair my mindset and relationship I have with cisgendered men.